This is a guest appearance of hilarity!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Justin Bieber can't dance and more

Justin Bieber can't dance
He's white
Yea but Justin Timberlake can dance
But he's part Mexican
Really?
Well, no, but he has that song - Senorita

I'm just going to get the drill to put the letters on the number box!!

Ben+Mike = Men+Bike

What is the name of the places between the bits that stick out on a comb? (Dylan Moran)
Gums! (Mum aka Julie Brooking)

George: What do I find funny? Hmmm *clambering over Lauren* PUNS!!!!!!!! I LOVE puns!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahaha puns! Yes!! yes!! yes!! PUNS!!!!!!

lauren and george time!!

George: the produce section is so sexy, i mean just look - loose oranges, jazz apples and seedy grapes.
Lauren: care for a date?

Lauren: make up your mind.
George: no, make up my mind for me!
Lauren: fail at mind.
George: i'm outsourcing all of my thinking to India.

Suckers + other updates

So just to keep ya up to date with the latest happenings...

Mum regaled me with this banter between her and Leigh...

Leigh: Pip's boyfriend is a lollipop man, who has a lollipop man for a boyfriend, I ask you?

Mum: Haha, we all do, cos we're all suckers! ... We believe their promises and their charming chit chat... we're just suckers!

Also...

Mum and Brendon were talking about what God considers to be an abomination

Brendon: what about dyslexia, is that an abomination?

Mum: No, it if was, it He would've spelt it out.

Roc and Lauren went to AIDS candlelight memorial, Lauren was VERY confused about why there were so many men in a church - and so well dressed - and so few Africans, read the programme a little bit more, saw there was a performance from a group called 'homophones' and worked it out...

Lauren later suggested that we should play the penis game when there was an awkward silence in the foyer after the service. Roc didn't know what the penis game was, came to all sorts of incorrect conclusions and looked at Lauren with utter horror!

(NB penis game is where one person whispers penis and the other people playing have to say it louder than the previous person until you end up yelling penis at the top of your lungs!)

AND this is georgie's diagram to show how Roc and I were feeling the other day when she was suggesting all kinds of crazy... this bit in the middle that you can't really read says that 'we're agreeing with you, we're just scared'

Archives

Playing cards

Peter: you had all the good cards and you still didn't play them right!

Brendon: But I won!

Peter: A blind baboon could've won with those cards!

Kieran gives James a wet willy in his ear

James: Ew yuck! I hope that wasn't your finger!

Lauren and Brendon talking about riding a bike...

L: riding a bike is a good life skill

B: but it's not a life or death situation

L: but what if Japan invades and says that you must all ride bikes???

B: It's highly unlikely that they are going to come all the way down here and tell us to ride bikes!

L: yes, but what if they come and demand all of their cars back!?

Roc: it's not even that i'm mad at you for being an idiot, to be honest, i'm more concerned that it was a waste of petrol, i mean, the environment shouldn't have to suffer because of BEN!!!

Lets get the ball rolling in the aisles!

Welcome everyone to our record of hilarity. In lieu of the funny book that took a turn for the worst out the window, blogging our insanity seemed like a more appropriate and hopefully more durable means of entertaining the world.

Entry number one:
Rachel "I'm actually quiet when I'm drinking because I'm standing there thinking 'DON'T look like you're drunk, DON'T look like you're drunk!'"

Yours sincerely,

Judi Dench